Clev-errr

I wonder how many people have picked up on the very clever allusion in the new AA ad for home cover insurance?

And why, you may ask, is John Cleese, who has pots and pots of money, doing it?

Well, I suspect he has been offered so much money for a day's work that he couldn't turn it down ( or he's got a book/film to publicise).

So what is it?

Well, as the water pours down through the ceiling, his " daughter" says she will call the AA.

He replies," The AA? For faulty showers?"

Bliss.

Sic Transit...

The crown Prince of Japan, an extremely erudite man, spent some time at Oxford.

The story goes that when he went for his interview, which mostly consisted of having dinner with the Master of Balliol, the following exchange took place.

Now Balliol regards itself as rather grand, a bit like the second regiment of the Gurkhas, or just about any Guards regiment.

At dinner, which was proceeding most smoothly, as you would imagine, the Master was making conversation and said to HRH " I've always been fascinated with Japan and it's culture and spiritual life. How exactly does the Royal Family fit into that?"

" Well," said the prince," There are, for instance, two sides to my position."

" How interesting, and what would they be?"

" Naturally, there is the temporal, which clearly defines my position as next in line to the throne."

" Of course, " said the Master, with an unctious smile." And the other?"

" The other is the spiritual, which, from my point of view, means I am a god."

" Ah, yes, I see, " said the Master." In that case, I'm sure you will feel very at home at Balliol."

True Phlegm

I know I'm not keeping up with the pace, but hey, sometimes I have stuff to do.

I had an exceptionally fine dinner last Thursday night for the Gurkhas in the New Club in Edinburgh, complete with regimental silver, generals, lords,kilts,trews,medals and an after dinner speech.

The speech was given by Professor David Purdie, who not only gave his services free but also donated the pre-dinner drinks. The reason was his 90 year old father-in-law had fought with the Gurkhas in Korea, and is ( possibly) the last surviving Gurkha officer from that period.

He gave an excellent speech, not so much for the content but for the delivery. It was replete with military stories of the great and good, none more so than the Brigadier in the Carlton Club which was blown up by the IRA in 1990.

He represented everything a British Brigadier is known for: shoes so shiny you could see your face in them; suit immaculately correct; regimental tie; and true phlegm.

The Brig was having his dinner when the bomb went off. He was eating his dessert, and as the building collapsed around him, a cone of plaster formed on his head - and on the spoon of pud that was making it's way to his mouth.

As he came to rest somewhere between the first floor and the basement, complete with table and chair and himself intact, he took stock of the situation with a mind honed from years of command.

In his own words :" As I dusted off the plaster from the spoon, and ate my pudding, my thought was that this was no ordinary kitchen mishap."

It became the quote of the year - and reminds me of Sid James in " Carry on Up the Khyber."

A miss is as good as a mile

I'm seriously busy in Romania, catching up with all the stuff I should have done last time when a) the weather was bad and b)I spent a couple of days in bed.
It hasn't prevented everyone ( and I do mean everyone) laughing like drains at the England - USA fubaw match that ended in a draw, after one of the classic goalkeeping blunders by some overpaid stiff called Green.
I am,of course, not English, so the joke is even better as far as my Romanian friends are concerned.
I did hear a joke that superseded the match.
The new British Government is seriously worried that men's penises in the UK are becoming too small to perform properly.
As a result they have asked that every man with a penis of less than 3 inches in length display a white flag with a red cross on it either as a flag on their car or out of the windows of their houses.
If you've been in England recently you will know that there are literally millions of poor chaps in a dire state.
Can't say I've noticed any such flags in Scotland - or Wales for that matter.....

A cautionary tale...

Things have been pretty busy for the last week. I have been on two secret missions ( well, not that secret) and spent a lot of time in a bunker starting at two computer screens- and sometimes three.
But all in all its been quite amusing in its own way - and I've picked up a few more spare rail tickets en route.
Now it's Christmas and a time of good will to all men and women.
So I will share the following with you.
A smelly dirty old lady tramp stopped a sort of yummy mummy and asked for some money to buy food.
"Ha! "says the Yummy. " I bet you would just take the cash and buy drink!"
" Never,"says the tramp. " I stopped drinking 20 years ago. It was killing me."
" Well in that case you would probably buy cigarettes."
"Not at all. I stopped more than 10 years ago"
" Well, I suppose you might buy some new clothes."
" What do I want new clothes for? I stopped going into shops years ago."
"Right" says the Yummy. " I can see you need food, so I want you to come to my house for dinner tonight.""
"Are you mad? What will your husband think, you bringing home a smelly old tramp?"
" I want him to see what happens to a woman who stops drinking smoking and shopping..."

O'Malleys Nails

The one thing that came out of the wedding yesterday that was mildly amusing was the following story. If you are easily embarrassed,look away now.
O'Malley was a great maker of nails in Ireland, and the culmination of his art was the O'Malley 10 inch special ( that's 25 cms in case you don't know).
O'Malley reckoned it was a world beater, and decided to go all out with an advertising campaign.
The ad agency was chosen ( as these things in Ireland are over a pint or two of Guinness) and on the appointed day O'Malley was ushered into the screening room at the agency. Once he had a pint in his hand ( as did everyone else) the ad rolled.
A barren landscape unrolls, and the word " GOLGOTHA" fades in and then out. A Roman centurion is seen hammering nails, and the voice over says " He'll not get away, because I'm using O'Malley's 10 inch specials" and the tag line comes up. "O'Malley's make sure they can't get loose"
" JESUS H.CHRIST" shouts O'Malley, spilling his drink as he jumps to his feet." Are yez totally stupid? This'll get me excommunicated. Get that destroyed and go away and come back with something I can use in 24 hours."
24 hours later he filed back into the room, and even refused a drink ( it was that serious).
The clip rolled - same scene, same fade in and out. But in the distance there was a hairy chap running away for all he was worth, with blood streaming from his hands and feet.
And the voiceover said:
" Ah, to be sure, that wouldn't have happened if yer man had been using O'Malley's 10 inch specials...."
And the tag line came up: " With O'Malley's they don't get loose"

Hurricane Senga

Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Maryhill District of Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?"
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £9,000 worth of improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police state that incidences of looting,muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck.
Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Elmbank Street,rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today.Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Maryhill .
One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade slept through it all. Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so ah wiz". Neighbour Joseph 'young-young' McGurn said "The noise wiz tremendous. At first ah thoat it wiz the young team coming oot of The Bugle Bar, but it wiz even worser."
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bon AccordPola Cola and two tons of Cheese Toasties to the area to help strickenlocals.Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantitiesof personal belongings including Benefit books and bone china fromPoundstretchers.Residents in neighbouring Ruchill offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Maryhill people decided they were better off where theywere.
A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has been a pureBlitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes.The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball caps,Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers. Food parcels are alsourgently required. Please try to include - Microwave chips, Greggs Pies,Sugar Puffs, Tins of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado , glue orhairspray.Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips,crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
*Breaking News*Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble. Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco- pop. When asked where she was bleeding from she replied "Craigmont Avenue , whit's it got to dae wi' you ya fudd?"

Yes we can.

Mrs.Lear - who is fast approaching the end of the first year of her Eco-land management degree ( or whatever it is) and in about 2nd place in the class - is away on a field trip of sorts today, so I have the Dog with me.
Nothing very extraordinary in that you might say - but I have to tell you having him with me has a very positive effect on people.
A miserable electrician actually did what he was asked. A timber company actually said they would deliver when I wanted it ( after having to be forced not to give the dog sweeties). A parking attendant let me off when I said I had to let him out the car to spend a penny.
I related all this to middle Ms. Lear.
" Dog and me," I said," can get things done. Yes we can."
" Ah Dad," she said " Which one of you is Bob the Builder? Clearly the Dog is better at DIY than yourself."
That's her out the will then.....

The Royal Overseas League

I was giving a talk this morning on behalf of the Gurkha Welfare Trust at the ROL in Edinburgh.

After the talk, and elderly lady came up to me and stuffed some cash in my hand and opined that" It's really nice to see younger people getting involved in charity work"

I felt I should disabuse her, and mentioned I was now an OAP.

" Goodness! " She exclaimed." OAPs are getting younger every day!"

Loony Laws

Curtesy of Smooth Radio, you might think that lawmakers and or Parliamentarians ( who are not necessarily one and the same) after debate and serious consideration, only made sensible laws.
However, the following are not spoofs:
* In Switzerland, it is illegal to spend a penny standing up after 10pm.
* In London, a pregnant woman can ask a policeman to give her his helmet to pee into.
* It is illegal to die in the House of Commons. One wonders what the sanction might be.
* Oliver Cromwell banned Christmas mince pies as frivolous and too happy by half for a serious Church festival like Christmas. This law has never actually been repealed. So next time you eat a mince pie, it is entirely possible you will be arrested, flogged, and put in the stocks.
* And finally, it is illegal in Scotland to be in charge of a cow when drunk. It is not entirely clear whether the illegal bit is if the cow is drunk....

NOT getting into MENSA

I have nothing against the Welsh, but it seems to me they have taken over from the Irish as the thickos of anecdotal stories and jokes. If anything, the Irish jokes now seem to indicate a cunning and trading mentality that, of course, they always had. I think particularly of Flurry Knox from the Irish RM
I heard on the radio today this clip of a Welshman who had ordered a delivery pizza.
" Hello, I want to complain about my pizza."
" Why is that sir?"
" I've just opened it and there's no topping on it. How am I supposed to eat that for my dinner?"
" I'm very sorry sir, but I don't understand how that can have happened."
" It's disgusting, I want another one delivered right away and I... oh, sorry, I've opened the box upside down...."

Up yer kilt

You will have gathered that Saturday night was quite raucous, and of course with 2 Scots in the immediate vicinity the question of what is worn (or not) under the kilt quickly came up. People talk of questions or problems that are Elephants in the room, and this particular question is endlessly fascinating to other nationalities.
The Ex-banker, a true Scot to the core, told a rather nice story.
At what one could only describe as a society wedding, the extremely grand lady photographer left one of her cameras on a table for a few minutes.
Quick as a flash, one of the young blades present stuffed it under his kilt and pressed the button. What he didn't know was it was on "continue taking snapshots until you press the button again."
So I suppose by the time his hilarity had subsided and he had put it back on the table it had taken a hundred or so below-the-belt pictures.
All would have been well, but unfortunately the lady photographer had set up an electronic pinboard to upload pictures of the wedding so everyone could enjoy them almost instantly.
It must have taken all of 10 seconds for people to twig what had happened and there was a concerted rush by some to stand in front of the offending images, whilst others were doing their best to push them out of the way.
Eventually, someone had the sense to pull the plug out, and there was a collective sigh, of relief on one hand and sadness on the other.
The party continued thereafter, but one of the bridesmaids was heard to remark that she intended to goose all the young men present until she found the one with the matching member......

Dan Hannan, Clement Attlee and Sir Winston Churchill

Dan Hannan gave yet another corker of a speech at the Tory Spring Conference today.
Whilst making the point that we are not anti-Europe but pro-Britain, not anti-federalist but pro-democracy, he told the following story.
After his 1945 victory, Clem was relieving himself in the Commons loos.
The door banged open and in stalked Winnie. Glancing at Attlee, he headed for the urinal farthest away from him
" Stand offish today Winston," remarked Attlee.
" Not at all Prime Minister," growled Winston." It's just that every time you see anything big you want to nationalise it."

See Glasgow?

All over our local news today is the statement that Glasgow has the fastest growing unemployed population in Britain.
I could have told you that some time ago as about 25% of our tenants have effectively gone bust and a couple that were due to replace them have decided not to proceed.
What can they do? One of our better tenants, who was forging ahead with a new business, in which he had already invested £30,000, had his £20,000 overdraft revoked on Friday. Why? No one will tell him, but I'm willing to bet it's because the Bank ( RBS by the way) want a bigger fee and higher margin.
Glasgow humour will, I'm sure, find a way through. On a hoarding around what was supposed to be yet another "superb, outstanding, exceptional" slum-in-the-making someone has stuck in letters a foot high:
" IT'LL BE AULD CLAES AND CAULD PURRIDGE THE NOO"
which almost certainly means it was a highly educated person who did it.
Shame the revolting Brown never thought about it.

You couldn't make it up no.94

Middle Ms. Lear has been having some problems in her " close" as tenement flats in Glasgow are called with water somehow spilling from the attic down through 3 flats - fortunately not hers.
However, the problem is so severe - and apparently unfixable - that the water has been turned off for the whole close.
Enter Environmental health - they are closely allied with elfnsafety.
The only thing is the gentleman concerned was a Mr. Flood....
Update:
Mr. Flood sent out a plumber whose name was Pipe...

See Glasgow?

You need to learn fast if you want to live in Glasgow...

The Glasgow Rangers foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland . He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season. Two weeks later Rangers are down 2-0 to Celtic a Pakhead with only 10 minutes left.
The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in.. The kid is a sensation - scores 3 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for Rangers!
The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of Scottish Premier League football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 2-0 down, but I scored 3 goals and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media..."
"Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.' The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.' 'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!'
Moral of the story: don't beat Celtic at home if you can avoid it.
PS
That's this weekend, by the way.

One Tit or Two?

In today's Telegraph, Graham Norton, acting as agony uncle, is posed the following question:
"My wife – an attractive woman – has always been obsessed with her lack of volume in the bosom department. She is determined to have surgery in order to increase her breast size from an A to a D. The problem is we're rather short of cash – we're currently putting two children through private school – and at £2,500 a breast we can't really afford it.
You'd think that would be the end of the matter, but my wife is determined to push ahead one breast at a time. She says she's ''too desperate to wait'' and has her heart set on getting one breast done this year and the second one in 2010.
Needless to say, the surgeon has advised against it, but when my wife gets a bee in her bonnet she's a very tenacious woman.
Quite apart from the cost, I am very perturbed at the prospect of sharing my life for 12 months (possibly longer) with a woman who is built like a Page Three girl on one side and a pancake on the other. What is a man to do? "
The mind completely boggles.
However, it would enable the husband to answer one of those Questions of the Universe. Is there a different feel to an implanted breast? I accept the size might make a difference here, but the feel ought to be testable.
I offered my services but strangely my comment has been moderated out....

The Happiest Hobbit.

Richard Spencer, over on Takimag.com has a piece about "Culture 11" which has just folded. It sounds quite an interesting ex-site, and highlights that the costs of doing something like this are serious.
But there is a lovely part where he decries the "Culture" of the people running the site. One of them, being given an article about a dildo, replied he didn't think his readership was in to The Lord of the Rings.
He apparently thought Dildo was a Hobbit.....

General dampness...

Curtesy of The Herald Diary, what is the definition of liquidity?
When you look at the value of your investments, and wet yourself.