You need to learn fast if you want to live in Glasgow...
The Glasgow Rangers foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland . He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season. Two weeks later Rangers are down 2-0 to Celtic a Pakhead with only 10 minutes left.
The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in.. The kid is a sensation - scores 3 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for Rangers!
The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of Scottish Premier League football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 2-0 down, but I scored 3 goals and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media..."
"Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.' The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.' 'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!'
Moral of the story: don't beat Celtic at home if you can avoid it.
That's this weekend, by the way.