Hurricane Senga

Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Maryhill District of Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?"
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £9,000 worth of improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police state that incidences of looting,muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck.
Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Elmbank Street,rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today.Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Maryhill .
One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade slept through it all. Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so ah wiz". Neighbour Joseph 'young-young' McGurn said "The noise wiz tremendous. At first ah thoat it wiz the young team coming oot of The Bugle Bar, but it wiz even worser."
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bon AccordPola Cola and two tons of Cheese Toasties to the area to help strickenlocals.Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantitiesof personal belongings including Benefit books and bone china fromPoundstretchers.Residents in neighbouring Ruchill offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Maryhill people decided they were better off where theywere.
A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has been a pureBlitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes.The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball caps,Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers. Food parcels are alsourgently required. Please try to include - Microwave chips, Greggs Pies,Sugar Puffs, Tins of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado , glue orhairspray.Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips,crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
*Breaking News*Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble. Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco- pop. When asked where she was bleeding from she replied "Craigmont Avenue , whit's it got to dae wi' you ya fudd?"